Very Basic Problems New Parents Face

Ms. Mimi is starting a serious of blogs to answer some of the very basic problems new parents face.

Soothe a Crying Baby the Montessori Way

Question from Her Pain is My Pain:

Hello, Ms. Mimi. 

I am a new parent and I am at a loss when my 8 month old cries over everything.  Some of my friends and family have said to pick her up every time while others advise that I let her cry it out.  Could it be that she is always hungry?  I simply don’t know what to do.  I feel like horrible for not knowing how to comfort my own child.  Please help!

Dear Her Pain is My Pain,

Great news!!  You are not alone.  Children are complex even in infancy, and when their only means of communication is crying, it can become overwhelming to both the child and the parent, but fret-not, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Many parents believe that when a child cries it must mean they are hungry or in physical discomfort or pain, but that is not always the case.  Babies can cry for many reasons.  Maybe they’re scared, cold, hot, worried, bored, lonely, or they may simply be experiencing a sad or bad memory. 

So how do we soothe a crying baby the Montessori way?

Dr. Maria Montessori advise that we “follow the child”, in which case, it is important to spend time with your baby to learn what is being said with each cry.  Only with that will you understand how to meet your child’s needs.

In The Joyful Child, Michael Olaf states that a crying infant rarely requires food.  In fact, he wonders if babies were less soothed with food if that would alleviate the obesity problems we currently face.  He also states that it is the responsibility of attentive parents and caregivers to understand the cries of an infant so to better understand their sense of communication.

Here are a few guidelines to help with the process, as it will take some time to learn to differentiate the cries. 

- First, speak in a calm and gentle voice, reassuring her that you are present.

- If that doesn't work, make eye contact so to redirect her focus onto you.

- And if those don’t work, then check for physical pain or discomfort i.e. wet diaper, hungry, the need to be re positioned etc.

All children are different, and all children will have their own distinct cries to express their needs.   Be patient and be present.  You will learn to decode the cries and know that not all situations require immediate adult intervention.  It is important to watch for learning opportunities, and while it may be a bit irritating to the child, the space to work through their discomfort and gain independence and confidence in oneself is critical in their development.   

Ms Mimi Ha

Infant Montessori Lead teacher

Mimi Ha, winner of the 2013 Milpitas Post BestTeacher of the Year and Best Infant Program awards, has been working with young children for nearly a decade.  She has a Bachelor’s of Arts degree in Communicative Disorders and Sciences, Degree in Sociology and Liberal Arts. Ms. Mimi worked with various leading non-profit organizations that support children with Autism. Ms. Mimi Ha believes that children are the key to a brighter world and through them we can learn a great deal about ourselves.

MOMtessorian – a mother’s Journey for finding the right school (Montessori)

It’s my personal experience that I would like to share it with everyone. When I was pregnant with my son, Ethan, I had many dreams for him. Every day he grew in my belly was another moment spent day dreaming of who he will become. I was excited to show him the ropes and get him through the bumpy roads of life, but little did I know, he was going to take wheel and I was merely a guide, the GPS.

Most of the dreams I had for him were pretty typical, lift head by 3 months, crawl by 5 months, walk by 11 months, and talk by 12 months. He didn’t even pop out yet and I had his first year entirely planned out, all thanks to my piles of baby books and years of child hood education and experience under my belt. It wasn’t long before I started fantasizing about what school he will go to, what sports he will join, what college he will attend, the list goes on and on.

The big day came and my son was born. There he was, full of life, curiosity, and joy.And here I was a nervous wreck! One of the things I did to help calm myself was imagine all the goals I had planned for him, and think about how I work towards that.

Few months had passed, and now my son is 5 months old. He was strong enough to lift his head, but didn’t show signs of crawling anytime soon. I freaked out. “How come he isn’t crawling? I gotto do something about it” 

Through my research no longer as a student, or therapist, but now as a mom, I stumbled upon the Montessori Method. The more I learned about Montessori, the more intrigued I grew. I am not exactly sure what caught me, whether it wasthe deep respect teachers had for the children, or that the children were able to manipulate the materials and learn through their own experiences, or that the teachers followed each child as unique individuals! I saw my little Ethan in a different light. Instead of looking at him as a future Ivy League scholar, I saw him as a child full of wonder and mystery. I shifted my feelings away from who he was supposed to be based on my preconceived notions and accepted he will be who he is meant to be.

After having started my position as a teacher in the infant Community then Director in a Montessori School, I saw ALL children differently. Suddenly the parents who came to me with suggestions of “my child must read by 3 years old” seemed silly. But really, that was me not long ago. Asking Ethan, or any children, to conform to my ideals is like “Judging a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”-Albert Einstein.

When making the big decision of deciding Montessori or conventional schooling—it was natural for me to choose Montessori because “Montessori is an education for independence, preparing not just for school, but for life” –Maria Montessori. That was what I wanted for Ethan, to learn without fear of reprimand and freedom to explore individual interests while building up confidence. He is now a toddler; with much to say, do, and share. I let him take the wheel, and guided him to the destination of his journey.

Milinh Villanueva

 About Milinh Villanueva

I have been working with children since 2003, with ages ranging from 6 weeks through Kindergarten, and developmental abilities ranging from typically developing to special needs. I have a bachelor’s degree from San Jose State University reflecting special and childhood education. My Montessori certification is nearly completed with all coursework and I am eager to start practicum. Not only as a Director, but also as a mother of a child who attends Montessori school, I believe in the Montessori philosophy wholeheartedly. For me, the Montessori Method is more than just an approach to learning academics; it is the way to developing the child as a whole taking into account their physical, emotional, and social growth.

Behavior-> Time out, do they work

There's no doubt about it: Time-outs work?? Sort of………  

What is a time out?  Time-out is a term for a form of punishment that involves temporarily separating a child from an environment where inappropriate behavior has occurred, and is intended to decrease positive reinforcement of the behavior. It is an educational and parenting technique recommended by some pediatricians and developmental psychologists as an effective form of child discipline. Often a corner (hence the common term corner time) or a similar space where the child is to stand or sit during time-outs is designated.

Forms of “Time-Out” in the Preschool Classroom

• Sending a child to sit in a chair, alone, that is designated as the “time-out” chair

• Sending child to a table to sit alone during circle

• Sending child to sit somewhere alone on playground

They work because unless a child has become hardened and aloof, the experience of being separated from the group’s comforting presence is unpleasant at best and intolerable at worst. But they come at a price, and eventually they stop working — because they violate one of the three primary drives of a child's brain: the need for close and secure attachment.

Children need a secure attachment

Children are wired to be closely connected to their caretakers. Attachment is vital to their survival and well-being. Unlike the young of other mammals, little humans are utterly dependent on their guardians to provide food, warmth, shelter and nurturing. We simply cannot survive without being connected to those who care for us.

When a misbehaving child is sent “away” to "think about" their offense, the only thing they're really thinking about is either how soon they can get back to the group or how bored they actually might be. The former response is what we initially see in a younger child whose experience of anxiety at being separated from the group shoots through the roof. The latter response — Boredom!

Why time-outs don't work - The problems with time-outs are numerous. First, at the very time when the angry or misbehaving child is out of control and in need of the calming influence of a caring person, they're left to settle down entirely on their own. Most children are incapable of doing this. They need an adult to help them come back to themselves when they're swept up in the storm of their emotions. A child whose behavior has been so impulsive or destructive as to warrant being sent away shouldn't be left to his own devices to become centered again.

Sending a child away when they're distressed is essentially saying to them, "I can't handle you when you show this side of yourself. Come back when you can be the manageable Susie or Johnny that I can handle." Not only are we telling the child that we only find the good, compliant version of them acceptable, we're also declaring our inability to cope with all of who they are.

A child deeply needs their parent and teachers to function as the confident captain of the ship in their life. When a teacher sends a child away because they can't handle their misbehavior, they're effectively telling them that they (the child) have the power to render them (the teacher) incompetent and helpless.

Time-outs increase separation anxiety

One of the characteristics seen in children whose parents routinely use time-outs is clinginess. Unless (or until) these kids become hardened and indifferent, they handle separation badly. While it usually works to tell a child who refuses to leave the park, "OK, then, I’m leaving without you!" (Most kids will indeed come running), the anxiety created by chronically threatening a child with separation damages their core sense of security and connection.

What can you do?

When a teacher functions as the captain of the ship in their classroom, there's a natural dynamic at play that makes time-outs largely unnecessary. Sure, there are always times when our kids are moody, hungry, sleep deprived or running on empty, but if we do our best to anticipate problems before they manifest, we can usually avoid behavior getting out of hand.

For all practical purposes, time-outs are the equivalent of shunning a child. In most societies, shunning is considered the most dreadful form of punishment. When we instead manage a child's misbehavior while preserving their sense of connection with us, we avoid the harmful effects of time-outs — which in the long run, create more problems than they solve.

• Redirect – help child find something interesting to do

• Ask the child to help with an adult task – set up lunch, reset the shelves

• Help two children solve their issues – use peace education language – give them the language to use so they can start to solve problems on their own without the adult – very powerful

• Implement a Peace Table

• Have child “hold your pocket”

We will be discussing for one of the most effective ways of “Time out – Would you like to Hold my Pocket” in our next edition of the blog. Stay Tuned!!

Colleen Noll 

About Colleen Noll

 Executive Director of Calaveras, Crescent and Main Street Montessori Schools all located in Milpitas, Ca. Colleen is a formally trained AMS Montessori Teacher and worked in Montessori Education since 1992. She personally oversees the 3 Montessori Schools, which serves Infants through Kindergarten age. For over 13 years, her Motto has been "Children First, Always".